Finally! More negative reviews arrived. It's so good to know there's more and more people who see this book for what it really is
Okay, here’s a thing: I didn’t plan on reading this book, like ever. I was a tiny bit curious about the mystery part, but it was almost an nonsexist interest. Why then did I read the book I hate in advance? Reviews. That was my reason. I wanted to go read spoiler review to find out what was all this f*cking business about, but I found only one 1-star review on this book. ONE. No way. All GR is booked with 5-4 star reviews praising this book till the sky and beyond. Reviews filled with pictures of bare chested, abs filled pals and squeaking gals, excitement spilled like a used sperm (I never said I’d go light on fans, so go read something else if you a fan of this series. Shoo!). But for the love of all that chocolate, I can’t get the fever over this overly dumb book series. So here we go.
Warning! Major XXXL sized spoilers ahead! Don’t read it if you are planning on reading this series. You might not want to continue after my review. I can be very persuasive with words and images.
Also, Gelis, you wanted me to review this book, I hope you won’t regret your wish. The beast is unleashed…
Ladies and Gentlemen! May I introduce myself. My name is Grinch and we are gathered here tonight to watch a spectacle called Twisted Palace. Take your sits and help yourself to popcorn. Tomatoes are also available. Yes, here, in that bucket. Use it freely whenever Orphan stripper or Creepy dad or Douche boyfriend or Creepy step-mother -- oops, sorry, this one is dead already, so you’ll save a couple of tomatoes for someone else – Zombie Papa which rose from the dead in the end of book two if you remember -- appear on the stage.
*the lights dim* *creepy music begins* *the curtain opens*
Scene 1. Interrogation.
Detectives Cousins and Schmidt: Where were you between eight p.m. and eleven p.m. tonight? How long were you sleeping with your Creepy father’s Creepy step-mom? Why did you kill her, Douche boyfriend ? Did she make you mad? Threaten to out the affair to your Creepy dad?
Douche boyfriend: You can twist my nipples, you can grip my dick until it milks, but I won’t tell you the truth, because you are too dumb to understand my depth.
Grinch: Cousins? Schmidt? Really? No other name for a detective?
Detective Cousins: “Answer me, you little sh*t!”
Douche boyfriend: I am barely holding myself from beating the sh*t out of this lame detectives.
Grinch: Oh boy, you are a mighty King Kong, alas the caged one and handcuffed.
Detective Schmidt: “We can ask you questions, and you can answer them. There’s no law against that. You can also volunteer information. For instance, we can move this process along if you explain things like why you have blood on your shirt.”
Grinch: Um, nose bleeding?
Douche boyfriend: I’m not a saint and have never claimed to be one. I’ve gotten into my share of fights. I’m ruthless when I need to be….
Grinch: My pink shoes are trembling.
Douche boyfriend: But…I’m not this guy. The guy who gets dragged out of his own house in handcuffs. The guy who has to watch fear fill his Ex-Orphan stripper girlfriend’s eyes as he’s hauled into the back of a police cruiser.
Grinch: Cry baby, cry.
Detectives Cousins and Schmidt: Okay, that sucker won’t tell us anything. Let’s go get his lawyer.
Scene two. Nudists.
Ex-Orphan stripper: Couldn’t sleep all night. Did my Douche boyfriend killed his Creepy step mom?
Douche boyfriend’s womanizer brother: What the f*ck is going on?
Grinch: Dude, you are naked!
Ex-Orphan stripper: Your brother was arrested for killing your Creepy step-mom *tells in detail all she knows*
Douche boyfriend’s - we share a girlfriend – brothers: So you’re saying your Douche boyfriend knocked up Creepy dad’s child bride and then offed her because he doesn’t want to have a little Douche boyfriend running around?”
Grinch: Dudes, you are naked!
Ex-Orphan stripper: Does no one in this family believe in pajamas?
Grinch: Guh, finally someone noticed three nude dudes in the room!
Scene three. Homecoming.
Zombie dad: Who are you?
Ex-Orphan stripper: Um…
Zombie dad: *waits for the answer*
*Douche boyfriend interrupt the scene with his grand homecoming. Ex-Orphan stripper flings herself at his abs.*
Ex-Orphan stripper: I know you might be a killer, but oh, how I’ve missed your magic fingers. It was so hard to sleep without them being pushed down my lady parts.
Douche boyfriend: I--
Creepy dad: What where you doing at your Creepy step-mom’s yesterday before she was killed?
Ex-Orphan stripper: I hope for the sake of his magic fingers he’s not the killer.
Douche boyfriend: I was creeping around, trying to talk to my Creepy step-mom after she called me, while everyone was away having a dinner.
Grinch: Oh, god, that's not suspicious at all!
Creepy dad: And where have you been all this time my creepy Zombie friend?
*Everyone’s attention abruptly turns to Zombie Dad*
Zombie Dad: Played Robinson Crusoe on some god forsaken island. And now that we’ve established that, will someone tell me who the f*ck is this girl?! *points at Ex-Orphan stripper.
Ex-Orphan stripper: Don’t you recognize me Zombie daddy, I am your little girl.
Zombie Dad: My what?!
*A long process of explaining how one can make a baby and with which parts. After everything's settled Douche boyfriend drugs Ex-Orphan stripper up the stairs to make out.*
Grinch: Me Tarzan, You Jane alert!
Scene four. Slip her some tongue.
Ex-Orphan stripper: Mm, can’t think with your tongue down my mouth. But don’t stop, your tongue is so delicious I may come right this moment.
Grinch: Jeez, don’t bite it off from the excitement, girl or it’ll be awkward.
Douche boyfriend: I didn’t kill Creepy step-mom, do you believe me?
Ex-Orphan stripper: Oh yes, your tongue convinced me that you didn’t.
Grinch: You know what? I’ve changed my mind: bite it off!
*Distant screaming distracts our love birds from devouring each others tongues.*
Grinch: Thank God!
Ex-Orphan stripper: Who’s screaming?
Douche boyfriend: It’s Zombie dad’s wife.
Grinch: I bet she didn’t expect to find herself in one of the episodes of the Walking Dead!
Scene five. Back to school.
*Douche boyfriend and Ex-Orphan stripper are back to school. Everyone gives Douche boyfriend sideways glances. He’s a star now. He killed his Creepy step-mom, everyone wants to take his autograph.*
Scene six.
Boring sh*t here. Skipping…
Scene seven. Cookies.
A very strange talk about cookies occurs. Someone gave someone their cookies, but they took them, because other cookies were temporarily unavailable. And now these used cookies feel.. used?
Grinch: ……
*one minute later*
Grinch: I get it guys! Cookies as sex. Some one had sex with someone and then they went and had sex with someone else. The ones they had sex with first, now feels used. Phew, I wouldn't be able to look at cookies and not think about this book now *gags*
Scene eight. Creep.
A scene where Douche boyfriend says to Ex-Orphan stripper in a low gruff voice:
Douche boyfriend: I notice everything about you, baby.
Grinch: Geez, that is not creepy at all.
Scene nine. Sexist talk.
Ex-Orphan stripper: You should be a virgin.
Douche boyfriend: What?
Ex-Orphan stripper: Think about how many problems would be solved by that. You wouldn’t have this thing with Creepy step-mom. The girls at school wouldn’t be drooling all over you.
Douche boyfriend: If I was a virgin, all those girls at school would be trying to get in my pants so they could say they were the first to climb Mount Douche boyfriend.
Grinch: Am I the only one who wants to chop his dick off?
Ex-Orphan stripper: Girls aren’t like that, they wouldn’t compete to deflower you.
Douche boyfriend: Girls are exactly like that. Why do you think Queen bitch's after you all the time? You’re competition, babe. Doesn’t matter what you’ve got downstairs, most people are competitive as sh*t. And the kids at Astor? They’re the worst of the lot. If I was a virgin, that’d be one more contest for someone to win.
Grinch: Sexist much, huh?
Douche boyfriend: We can play I’m the virgin and you’re the experienced upperclassman after I pop your cherry.
Grinch: Now, where did I put those scissors?
Scene ten
Ex-Orphan stripper: I can’t stop doubting my Douche boyfriend. What if he killed his Creepy step-mom? And I don't have his magic fingers to convince me otherwise now.
*monologue goes for hours*
Grinch: Boring sh*t *yawn*
Scene eleven Sucking and Suckling.
*Douche Royals have dinner with Zombie dad, but everybody sulk, and the dinner goes really boring. After the dinner Ex-Orphan stripper and Douche boyfriend can’t stop groping each other, because it’s so stimulating to make out with both your dads in the house.*
Douche boyfriend: Yeah baby, suck my dick!
*sucking sound*
Ex-Orphan stripper: Yeah baby, suckle my puss*!
*suckling sound*
Grinch: *gagging sound*
*Zombie dad interrupts the scene by nocking on the door.*
Zombie dad: Ex-Orphan stripper, open the door! I know you are sucking Douche boyfriend's dick in there!
Ex-Orphan stripper: *opens the door* And what if I am? I am 17 y.o. I can suck whatever Royal douche's dick I want, maybe even Creepy dad's!
Zombie dad: Pack your things, you’ll go live with me and my Creepy wife.
Scene twelve.
*In which Creepy Zombie dad’s wife sneaks into Ex-Orphan stripper's room in the middle of the night and practically admits she tired to kill Zombie dad.*
Grinch: It’s sad you didn’t succeed Creepy wife.
Scene thirteen.
*In which Zombie Dad has a sex talk with Ex-Orphan stripper.*
Grinch: Jeez, why everyone in this book have a sex talk: brothers, friends, dads, lawyers – everyone obsessed with sex. And especially with Ex-Orphan stripper and Douche boyfriend’s sex life. What’s wrong with you people? Why no one discusses who killed Creepy step-mom?!
Scene fourteen. f*ck time.
In which Ex-Orphan stripper and Douche boyfriend after all this time sticking fingers into each other finally decide to f*ck *epic music plays in the background*
Grinch: *turns off the music* Oh jeez, I hope it won’t come down to trembling mountains.
Ex-Orphan stripper: Look baby, I’ve bought a sexy Victoria Secret lingerie.
Douche boyfriend: Holy f*ck, baby. In this pretty lingerie I’ll even let you twist my nipples and stick your fingers down my ass.
*nipples twisting and fingers sticking continues*
*some tongue gets involved in the process*
Ex-Orphan stripper: Yes, lick my skin off me with your tongue, baby.
*a process of breeching a very tight virginal vagin* occures*
*hours later*
Douche boyfriend: Finally! I am a king of the mound!
Ex-Orphan stripper: Oooh, it feels as if there’s a giant sausage inside me.
Douche boyfriend: I am a King of the mound!
Grinch: *tries to escape the room, but it’s locked.*
Ex-Orphan stripper: I was a virgin five minutes ago, but now I feel like a professional prostitute. Let’s go for round two!
Douche boyfriend: You are so talented baby! My dick can’t get enough of you!
Grinch: *tires to knockout the door and get out of this f*cking room*
Scene fifteen
*In which we find out that Creepy ex-mom was pregnant with Creepy dad’s child.*
Creepy dad: But… but I had a vasectomy.
Grinch: The f*ck is going on?
Scene sixteen.
*In which Douche boyfriend is proposed to plea guilty and get 10 years of jail instead of 20.*
Douche boyfriend: Ex-Orphan stripper, I think I must take the deal.
Ex-Orphan stripper: I don’t want to talk about it, better f*ck me long and deep.
*Douche boyfriend sticks his dick deep deep inside Ex-Orphan stripper*
Douche boyfriend: We can’t solve anything by having sex.
Ex-Orphan stripper: If you’re so eager to get locked up for twenty years, shouldn’t I be getting all my sex in now?
Grinch: Real smooth, girl.
Scene seventeen. Snowflake.
Creepy schoolmate: Ex-Orphan stripper, remember how I helped you to sneak up with your Douche boyfriend so you could bang him without your father knowing about it?
Ex-Orphan stripper: Um, yes?
Creepy schoolmate: I came to collect a favor. I want to go to the school ball with your Douche boyfriend.
Ex-Orphan stripper: No way! Why?
Creepy schoolmate: Because he has excellent abs, and he’d killed his Creepy step-mom and is popular now, he’ll help me win “Snowflake Queen” reward at the ball.
Grinch: Snowflake Queen?
Creepy schoolmate: What?! I want to be a special Snowflake Queen. You have problems with that?
Grinch: *turns on special snowflake alert and flees the room*
Scene eighteen
*In which boring preparations for the ball and prison occur between Ex-Orphan stripper and Douche boyfriend’s bang sessions. Still no one tries to solve Creepy step-mom’s murder.*
Skipping… And then skipping some more boring sh*t.
Scene nineteen. Revelations.
*In which we find out that Zombie dad banged Creepy dad’s wife when she was alive, and that’s why she killed herself. Not because she hated her husband and kids, but because she felt guilty.*
Grinch: Gosh, did anyone in that family didn’t f*ck someone they weren’t suppose to? This f*cking Santa Barbara is getting on my nerv—
Ex-Orphan stripper: Shut up, Grinch, we are having an emotional moment here. So, Zombie Dad, you banged my mom, but you loved your best friend’s wife and banged her too? Or, and also your Creepy wife, you banged them all, didn’t you?
Zombie dad: Well, my dear Ex-Orphan stripper, when you are putting it like that… I guess I am a huge dick of a person. I wonder why never – not once – anyone thought I might be the killer of the Creepy step-mom? She might’ve blackmailed me as she did before with your Douche boyfriend, and what an honest man like me would had left to do with that?
Grinch: What indeed…
Ex-Orphan stripper: OMG! You killed Creepy step-mom!
Grinch: Finally! Your IQ is not zero after all, it’s 1 point!
Zombie dad: I grabbed her by the hair and slammed her forehead against the mantle.
Grinch: *creeps slowly toward the door*
Zombie dad: I thought it was my wife. They all look the same from behind. I thought she was again cheating on me—
Grinch: Oh saint man, she was cheating on you? How could she! You never cheated on her in you life, never. You didn’t deserve such nasty cheating wife.
*Zombie dad turns his blood-shot eyes on Grinch*
Grinch: Oops *continues to creep toward the door quicker*
Ex-Orphan stripper: You need to confess. I don’t want my magic dick of a Douche boyfriend go to jail.
Zombie dad: Hm, maybe we can pin this all on my Creepy wife?
Creepy wife: You killed my best friend of a Creepy step-mom? *points a gun at Zombie dad*
Grinch: *almost at the door*
*floorboard squeals* *all attention turns to Grinch*
Everyone: What the f*ck are you doing?
Grinch: I am just walking, breathing, don’t mind me.
*Zombie dad lunges toward the gun* *Creepy wife shoots him*
Zombie dad: I can’t believe you shot me, bitch.
*curtain closes* *Grinch finally makes it out the door*
Epilogue.
Zombie dad goes to jail. Ex-Orphan stripper gets to attend dance school where she’ll learn to be a professional stripper properly. Douche boyfriend gets to attend boxing lessons, where he’ll add more abs to his collection. They both get to stick fingers into each other freely now. Douche boyfriend's womanizer brother found a girl, and apparently doesn’t want to stick his dick in other girls. The following books are probably going to be from his POV an—
Grinch: Who cares! Am I the only one who’s interested in how Creepy dad managed to knock out Creepy step-mom, if he was sterilized? No one? Ah, sh*t, this book was a waste of my time and boring as f*ck. Go on, continue sticking your f*cking fingers down your f*cking asses. I am out!
*slams the door*
End of spectacle.
